Every day I pull myself out of bed and go to work. The whole day goes by in a blur of activity. Typically I am very busy, there is a lot to do, a lot to keep track of, and in general I am pretty good I think at keeping my head just above the water. Sure I make mistakes, but I try to maintain a high level of completeness and professionalism in my work.
But I have no passion for it any more.
I can do it. I know my job and after all these years I have achieved a certain level of unconscious competence in many of the essential skills that my job requires. But there is no longer any fire in me. I am burnt out.
I continue on, because I am waiting.
I am waiting for the last two (canine) members of our family to be cleared to make the move with us. I am waiting for our house to sell, or if that fails to rent it out. I am waiting for all of the costs of this move to be paid off. The wait is a difficult thing because…
I am lonely.
I miss my family terribly. After all they are the reason for everything I am doing, and not having them around makes my day to day life merely an existence. I have friends here still and my parents, but it is not even remotely the same. My heart has already moved to Japan with TLG and the kids.
So I have a daily ritual. I come home from work and go straight to my computer, and open Skype. It is late morning in Japan by that time, and I call TLG’s cell phone. We talk, I talk to LP1 and LP2. MB is at school. Sometimes we do a video call, and I can see their faces. This is the best part of my day. The rest of the time I fill with activities that keep my mind off the loneliness.
Currently and much to my daily frustration I am not in a position to advance our situation (except with regard to continuing my current work and saving as much as possible). For now TLG is carrying the weight of our future. I live vicariously through what she tells me and through the pictures she sends.
The pictures are like a lifeline for me. I imagine being there with them. I imagine I am the one taking the photos.
Soon we will all be together again. It cannot be soon enough.